Hey to all of you out there. Some of you have kind of gotten to know me for quite some time, reading whatever I happen to throw at this journal. If you're new, you could have picked a better moment to intervene but that is okay. Stick around until you get bored.
I don't know how many of you know this or have caught on but I have a chronic case of MDD, or Major Depressive Disorder. Sometimes it is nearly nonexistent and others incredibily severe. Sometimes I forget I have it. Other times I feel like my mind is diseased and some type of negativity has hijacked my entire body, soul, brain, everything. It's like I can't escape and my every hope is held hostage to this angry, irritable, terrifying I don't know if it is a person, side of my self, glitch, or a kind of a virus that just gets control when my system is vulnerable.
But it shows me terrifying things. Things I could do to myself. Images of death, gore, dying, decay, any image that you would be shocked at on a film screen suddenly becomes native to my own mind. I can't get out. It takes away my every word and speaks terrible, terrible things for me. It pushes people away and I just break down.
Normally I am incredibly motivated. It cuts me off at the knees. The only thought that is my own, the only part of me that is left during this captive struggle is Jesus just let me die, let me die. I want to fucking die already. There is no hope in life. Everything is gray at best, black at worst.
Everything about me is to fault. I'm suspicious of others and know they will let me down or put me down or show me something incredibly faulty about myself. Everybody has a gun and I am a target and a villain, all at the same time. I can't get close to anybody, anything. I can't speak, can't think. I can just stare at the computer screen.
I feel like I am losing my ever-loving mind and any moments of sanity or rationale are fleeting. I try to call to myself, try to get rid of the shadow eclipsing my soul and emerge from the black waters filling my lungs and the pressure and gravity destroying every attempt at saving myself. I just get heavier and heavier and I know there is a black hole at the bottom of that ocean and I always make it above water and to shore. But every time I get closer to sinking into that hole and I know one day it is going to happen. One day it's going to swallow me and that will be the point beyond no return. I'll drown and the only thing that will be left of me will be a body and a shadow of myself. And even now I feel that shadow just behind me, beginning to wash over my heels. And I'm terrified of it and frantically trying to escape it and so tired that I'm surrendering to it, all at the same time.
And to me that is death. Death isn't the death of your body. That's just a machine shutting down. That's just a body that has stopped working. But when the soul gives in, when it sinks and drowns, that's a terrible death, a death I feel more and more every day of my fucking life. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even know that girl that was smiling yesterday, who was successful, who was everything I'm not. She had people fooled. I'm just a shadow.